Whether I am talking to some lovely followers or just myself, I need to get out thoughts rattling inside my head. I am completely stressed at the moment. I`ll start with the major culprit…
- My boyfriend:
We have been dating for 3 years, but I am probably going to break up with him soon, although I need the strength to do so. Over the past years, our relationship has been up and down, we`ve argued tons and I split on him a lot, sometimes loving him with all my heart and sometimes wanting to rip him to shreds(sorry).
Within the past few months its been pretty stable that the relationship is just pain, hardly anything good anymore. This may be because of my decline in mental health because I cannot stand to listen to him saying he loves me anymore. In my head the words scream, he doesn’t, he doesn’t, he doesn’t. At this point I
ve had to make myself numb to deal with the fact that Im in what feels like a soulless, loveless relationship that doesn’t make me feel good anymore. I have been isolating myself from him because seeing him just makes me sad and stresses me out. In addition, I’ve attempted to forget things he`s done that have been hurtful to me. I found a note from a girl who was flirting with him heavily at a point and he stole it and ripped it up before I could read it and I saw his social media basically saying he wants a girlfriend.
When I think about our relationship, it was nice at first, but we don’t make sense together. We have completely different interests. We fight because his insensitive words towards my mental illnesses and the fact that we are from different cultures bugs him.
That been said, I am also afraid to leave him. I
ve moved to this new city and I don't have anyone else. I honestly don't feel like I want to go through the process of making friends again because the thought of it exhausts me, but to know Im completely alone is quite terrifying. I`m going to need some extra strength to make it through this, I am not good at leaving people and I am scared of what could happen when I have no one.