I am completely stressed: my boyfriend

Hello!

Whether I am talking to some lovely followers or just myself, I need to get out thoughts rattling inside my head. I am completely stressed at the moment. I`ll start with the major culprit…

  1. My boyfriend:

We have been dating for 3 years, but I am probably going to break up with him soon, although I need the strength to do so. Over the past years, our relationship has been up and down, we`ve argued tons and I split on him a lot, sometimes loving him with all my heart and sometimes wanting to rip him to shreds(sorry).

Within the past few months its been pretty stable that the relationship is just pain, hardly anything good anymore. This may be because of my decline in mental health because I cannot stand to listen to him saying he loves me anymore. In my head the words scream, he doesn’t, he doesn’t, he doesn’t. At this point Ive had to make myself numb to deal with the fact that Im in what feels like a soulless, loveless relationship that doesn’t make me feel good anymore. I have been isolating myself from him because seeing him just makes me sad and stresses me out. In addition, I’ve attempted to forget things he`s done that have been hurtful to me. I found a note from a girl who was flirting with him heavily at a point and he stole it and ripped it up before I could read it and I saw his social media basically saying he wants a girlfriend.

When I think about our relationship, it was nice at first, but we don’t make sense together. We have completely different interests. We fight because his insensitive words towards my mental illnesses and the fact that we are from different cultures bugs him.

That been said, I am also afraid to leave him. Ive moved to this new city and I don't have anyone else. I honestly don't feel like I want to go through the process of making friends again because the thought of it exhausts me, but to know Im completely alone is quite terrifying. I`m going to need some extra strength to make it through this, I am not good at leaving people and I am scared of what could happen when I have no one.

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Transitions pending 

Hello!

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I’ve been pretty busy because I’m getting ready to move to Arizona, and live in my first apartment.

I wish I could say that this new beginning has begun a new me and that it has killed every self destructive urge in my body, but I feel there is not enough recovery positive literature in the world to cure me of my disordered soul. 

I am also feeling so lost because I have made the choice to live, but I am not thriving or even really feeling alive in any aspect. I have come to a transitional point where I must choose what to do about work and school. 

Right now I am a server and this job only seems to make my illnesses worse because I am not so physically well that being on my feet for 4-12 hours a day is no big deal. When I am at work I often feel very weak, I struggle to lift things. I often go very slow, I have breathing difficulties, chest pains and I often disassociate and have memory problems amongst all other obstacles. I find myself saying that my next job will be one that I am more capable of doing, but at my age and experience level, those opportunities are scarce. I have applied to jobs where I would work at the front desk, but answering phones is terrifying and seem to have this inability to fake a smile, or smile whatsoever. In the last year my social skills have really gone downhill and I cannot even seem to have a conversation with anyone besides my boyfriend. I am a bit scared of the job I will get because either way, it will have large pitfalls for me.

I am also considering dropping out of school, until I become healthier. At this state, I only can make bad grades and each course I try is just digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole. Additionally I really want to learn and be an expert in my field, but I cannot seem to do that at this point in time.

I am mourning because while I know dropping out is probably the best option for me at the moment, I was a student at university, and for a short while, I loved it. Now it is just another life experience that has been robbed from me. I am trying to accept it and be okay with it, but I am not. 

Overall I feel very lost and disappointed in myself. I wish I had the strength to do things that seem so simple for everyone else. I am always trying to tell myself to do what is best for me and to not set myself to standards set for people without my obstacles, but I am always hearing another conflicting voice in my head saying to just try harder. Do more. Be better. I know I have tried my best, but my best isn’t enough and I hate myself for it. 

A lot is riding on my success in recovery attempt #2, but I do not even feel ready for recovery. If I am not ready in the beginning, how will I carry myself out through the end? 

That school thing…

Well, I was just about to start schoolwork, but I had a panic attack and started crying instead. 

School is just so difficult for me. The last few semester have been particularly bad. Things weren’t so good cognitively. I had problem just stringing a sentence together, I couldn’t focus, I always was in pain; always had migraines. My vision wasn’t good. I was seeing these black shapes wherever my focus was, so I had difficulty reading and following the line. I was always having breakdowns because of school. 

Now things are a bit better as I don’t struggle so much with trying to find words or vision, but it is still a massive struggle. I told myself that this was my redemption semester. I was going to try to get passed all my challenges and get good grades, but that feels impossible.

I am a black and white thinker and I cannot cope with failure. I try so ridiculously hard and it yields no results. I turned in a paper I tried so hard on and I got a C. Every time I do schoolwork I just get more and more suicidal and filled with self hate. I know I should be able to just do my work, but I just have breakdown after breakdown once I try. I keep telling myself to not be so weak and just do it, but it always just feels too painful. 

Yesterday I was looking at schools that don’t have such a rigid grading system, and while there are some good ones, there’s none I can get into at this point. My gpa is so low. I’m considering dropping out of school and maybe coming back to it once I’m in a more recovered state. However, I fear that these problems will always be there no matter what I do. I’m afraid I’ll never work in family/community services and I will never get to help people. I don’t want to be a waitress my whole life. I don’t know where to go from here. 

Soon no more 

Today was yet another day where I left work early because I’m not physically well enough to have a job so active where I have to stand all day, lift and carry things. My heart hurts, I’m having breathing problems and I’m feeling so weak. I’m always having breakdowns because of this job alone.  I realize my job is making me more miserable than I need to be and although I’m not always so quick to do what is best for myself, I do hope my next job is better. I think I was told far to many times to just get over it, or I’m not trying hard enough or that I’m not really sick ,that I feel unable to do what is best for me. However, I will be moving in 3 months and I’m hoping I can get one that does not add to my misery as much. I am exhausted mentally and physically, stretched out to my limit. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me to leave things and places, but it is a blessing that I have a chance to leave my job, to leave my city and hopefully better myself in the end.  

I hope these 3 months go quickly.

When safety evaporates…

I seem to have no safe foods anymore; nothing  to rely on to keep me going, so when it comes to the time I know I have to eat, I either a) eat nothing or b) eat everything without any control. Once I loose the ability to find safety in food, I cotiniusly have a mental breakdown. I continiusly wish for death. I am in mental agony. I have lost the ability to just eat a meal and stop. I either eat nothing or I eat everything. In the past few days I have been eating everything. I am so incredibly weak, tired, dizzy and in pain all over and I am expected to make it through 8 hours of work without a problem. But it is a huge problem for me. Soon I will quit my job, maybe soon I will find sollace. 

I hate living, I hate trying

Today has been yet another miserable day off. It seems there is no solution for me. When I am at work or school I absolutely hate it. It makes me feel completely awful and even more self hatred towards myself, however it does serve as a distracting method and keeps my mind busy so I`m not thinking about other dreadful things. When I have a day off, I am nothing but my mental illnesses. I can feel every tick of the clock run slowly within me and as the seconds pass, the voices and taunts of each illness just get too difficult to bear. Today I had a panic attack and I ate more than usual causing me to plummet into a suicidal mindset. All I want to do now is cut. I visualize it over and over in my mind and cannot seem to stop. Currently, my boyfriend has left me alone which feels like abandonment and causing fires of sadness and rage withing me. I am so exhausted from trying at all, I wish I had a safe place or somewhere where I hurt less. I wish I could just fall off the earth.

In other news I will have to go back to work on Thursday and it is a very toxic environment for me to be in right now. Everyone in my company is having a contest to see who can loose the most weight and the winner gets money. My coworkers were pressuring me to enter because according to them “I never eat anyways”.  All I hear all day now is about weight and calories and food and dieting. I cannot comprehend how everyone where I work could possibly think a weight loss competition would be a good idea. It is so difficult to cope regularly and now there is an added component of being around all these dieters which never lets me ED voice to rest.

Storms Await

Hello there lovely readers(if anyone is even reading this lol),

I thought it was about time for another post, but truth be told I`m using this as a distracting method not to cut my arms to shreds. I feel like I am a broken record speaking of the problems that work like a cycle within my life, however I suppose there has been a few developments since I last wrote about my future plans.

Its pretty official now that I am moving to Arizona with my boyfriend. I have put up with ignorant comments about mental illness and had several talks with members of my family, now I am buying tickets so I can go look at apartments. While I am excited I am more scared than anything, this is a huge decision and it is something I cannot really turn back from. I am mostly nervous because:

  • I feel there is a lot riding on the success of my recovery. If I fail, I will not be able to work enough hours and will be dependent on my boyfriend
  • If I do fail it will somewhat force me to always be with my boyfriend even if I dont want to
  • I am moving there to recovery, yet I feel the farthest away from a recovery-like mindset. I am hoping being in a environment of a place I really like will help me.
  • The heat- I am enough problems with BDD and needs to cover my body and my scars
  • There are 2 recovery centers there. The better one may not be covered by my insurance

Currently I am still homesick! I miss my university town so much. I wish I could go back, however I can barely carry the weight of one course. I feel like everything since I moved away has been sickeningly going against the grain, though it is whats best for me, I cant help but feel nauseous. If I can churn my nausea into courage that would be great because I certainly need it at this time in my life.

Mourning what ive lost/New beginings

Recently, Ive been really sad and distraught over where I am. The moment I wake up the realization sets over me. My illnesses have taken a lot away from me and it really saddens me that I had to leave university and come home and live with my parents. I’m so homesick and feel sad that I’ll never go back. I keep on thinking maybe I wasn’t really trying hard enough and wondering why others can have these illness and be able to function better than me. No matter what I seem to fail.

I got the idea a month ago to go back to that campus and live on my own again, but I realize this is a destructive idea. I try to accept that I do my best and that is enough, but my best never seems to be ‘enough’. My life seems really dark. Will I ever be able to go back to school and eventually get a job? How long will it take me to recover? I feel like I’m still wasting away even though I’ve been making more of an effort to be healthier. I have been living in my parents house for a year now and it makes me feel so useless. I miss living alone so much. Living with others, I feel so trapped and watched all the time. I wish I had some place where I was capable of feeling comfortable.

I finally have saved enough money to safely move out. My boyfriend wants to move to Arizona and there is a recovery center there so I agreed to move there with him, but it still makes me really nervous, especially since I would be moving somewhat far away from all of my family and being so far away from my friends I made at university(even though I haven’t seen them in a year). I am feeling so lost right now. I want to feel at home in the world, but I cant even feel at home in my body or in my home.

Another uselss vent about hopelessness

 

Recently I feel like I have been living in a dream and now I have woken up and all my pain and memories are rushing to the surface. I feel incredibly hopeless right now. I took a semester off from school in the spring on 2014 and have moved back in with my parents all because me, my mental illnesses and my education dont mix well. I was hoping to resume my recovery then, but it feels unreachable. I am not as naive as when I first began recovery. I am familiar with the pain and triumph and I know I dont have what it takes. Since 2014 Ive been attempting to make incremental changes within myself in hopes of it pushing myself towards recovery, but now I am still here at 21 afraid to eat anything and lying still in bed because I feel so much pain. I feel like I`ll never get better and the thought of never getting better seems like a black hole sucking out all possible success or happiness for my future. I cannot do well in school, I cannot do well in work and I put on a domineer that I dont even recognize.

I am currently taking another semester off and I have to think about where I am going to move, which seems like a hopeless mission. It has to be somewhere that has a treatment center even though I don’t know if I’ll ever make it inside one, I want the option. I’ve been looking online at my options and all seem Ill fated and poor choices. I’m in a bind in every sense and I want out.

Therapist predicament 

My last therapy appointment was a bit strange. She said she had followed the standard 22 week(or whatever it is) for cbt for eating disorders and we have completed that mark. She then asked me if I think I still need therapy? This was weird because in all reality I haven’t improved much and all my mental illnesses are very active. It felt like she was saying I didn’t need it anymore or that I’m not sick. Despite all of this I said yes, I think I need therapy, because I felt like I had to say that at that moment. I am now regreting that response. Now she is talking about moving to the next phase and having me go to all these doctors and psychiatrist. I don’t want to because I know they’ll probably be like all doctors I’ve seen and have no real knowledge of mental illness and speak only ignorance and rudeness to me. She gave me an unusual 3 week space between sessions to accomplish this and I refuse to go to the doctor and I don’t know what I’m gonna say at my next appointment. The shitty side of me is telling me not to ever go back and when she tries to contact me, ignore her. The logical part of me is useless. I feel like the worlds worst person.